Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I am so excited. I love getting together with the family and eating good food. :) With it being so close, less than a week actually, I would like to reflect on the things that I am grateful for. Right now in my life I am really grateful for family. They have always been there for me even when I have caused them a lot of heartache in the past. I love them! I also want to say I am grateful for friends. My friends that I have right now are so awesome. They have really helped me as I am away from home again to get things figured out. They are such good examples and are always willing to help. They make me want to be a better person. I am also grateful that it has not snowed yet... haha when it snows here it really snows. I really don't like snow, I would be ok with it if it were in December only but before or after is definitely something that I don't enjoy. I am aslo grateful for the 60's through the 80's for providing the world with such wonderful music. I am recently on a Bob Marley kick. I have a playlist on my ipod that goes Beatles song, Bob Marley song, Beatles song, and so on. haha I love it. That is not all that I love from those decades but they are two of my favorites. I am so gratetful to be able to go home for Thanksgiving, it is going to be fun. I need a break from school, but I can't believe how fast the semester has gone by. I don't want this to end I love my life here at school. I know that it won't really be over but it is still sad. We will always be friends, and for that I am grateful. It's been a good year so far and I look forward to the months to come.

All I've got to do

OK I know it has been forever since I last posted. All I've got to do is make a goal to post more often and hopefully I can stick by that. There is a lot to write about. As far as the last post goes I did really well but I have to say that something happened that made things bad again. I am so greatful for therapy though, it has helped me get through things now that I obviously was were never able to handle. I did something so amazing today that I really do think that things are starting to look up. I am now in my second year of college with two of the same roommates and one new one. We also have an adopted roommate who basically lives with us but sleeps at her apartment. :) It's loads of fun. I have decided that I am not so sure about majoring in psychology anymore. I thought about it for a long time and decided that I am not so sure that I would want to study that for eight years in college in order to get my phd. I now would just love to do something I am passionate about. I would first love to be an Animal Cop for the ASPCA, (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelity to Animals). This is something I am very passionate about I love animals and there are far too many being neglected. I also would love to be a public speaker and go to different high schools around the state or even country and speak out against abortion. That is something I really stick to, I am pro life and I am willing to fight it and stick up for that. "Even though you can't see them or hear them at all, a person's a person no matter how small." That is a quote from Dr. Seusses, Horton Hears a Who. He was not speaking about abortion, in fact so many people have used this quote for pro life things that he got upset. I don't care it totally applies. I am not sure how these things will turn out but who knows what the future holds. As of right now I really want to nanny still as soon as I finish here in the Spring. Well anyways it has been nice to write a blog post again but it is late so I must be off.

Breaking The Habit

I was just lying in bed, obviously not falling asleep and the song Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park came on, on my iPod. I haven't heard that song in a really long time and as I was listening to the lyrics they really inspired me. They really hit me dead on. The lyrics talk about breaking a habit and not letting it consume you anymore. I have decided to really try harder at breaking my habit of binge eating. Its going to be really really hard and I know that because it has been. But I really hope that I can break that habit right now, starting tonight like the song says. I want to quit cold turkey, I am not sure how I will be able to do this but I plan on taking it one day at a time. I started working out again, something I have been trying to avoid for a long time since it is what started this whole mess, what with me becoming so consumed and addicted to it that I formed myself a major eating disorder. I hope that I won't let it take control of my life this time. Like my therapist said this week, I have complete control. Well that is all for now, here are the lyrics for the song, I will post again soon.

Breaking The Habit By Linkin Park

Memories consume

Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again

You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean

I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'm Only Sleeping

Every time I go to sleep lately I have these terrible nightmares. I almost don't want to go to sleep now. Yesterday when I was only taking a nap I had this dream where I walked out of my house and it was dark and everyone was sad and in black and I was told someone I know died. Everyone began to cry, including me. I woke up crying and laid in bed longer and fell back to sleep and the dream continued. We were at the funeral and everyone was there just screaming and crying and it was very dark and rainy. I woke up again and this time when I fell back to sleep I was running from the funeral, I kept running into spider webs and dark figures. I woke up again and every time I did wake up I was crying. It all seemed so real. It was weird. Last night I had another one. A little different story but scary just the same. I hate nightmares but at the same time dreams fascinate me. I always like to look up dream interpretations and things like that. I learned somewhere that dreams are a part of our subconscious. Maybe I am afraid of death or something. The pain of death or losing someone close to me. I don't know but it is really weird. I need to learn to not be so superstitious.

Hello, Goodbye

I just have to say one thing, I never realized how hard it was to say goodbye until I grew up and went to College. When the year ended I had to say goodbye to some people the ones not coming back in the fall. I don't know when I will see them again and that makes me so sad. That was almost two months ago so I have been able to get over it and try to move on, but the past couple of days I have found myself saying goodbye again. I didn't realize that this goodbye would be so hard but it has been, I just hope that one day I will see this person again and it will be like they never left. I don't want to go into detail because it is sort of personal but I just needed to vent in words how hard it was to say goodbye. I am going to miss this person very much. I feel like now that I am older and everyone is moving on with their lives, it seems like one day I am saying hello and only in a matter of time the goodbye comes. Well I guess that is life and it will take a while but I probably should get use to it.

“So many faces in and out of my life; some will last, some will be just now and then. Life is a series of hellos and good byes, I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again.”

Carry That Weight

I feel like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I finally went to my first counseling session. People have been trying to get me to see a counselor for about a year now and truthfully I have needed one for six years. I kept putting it off because I wasn't sure how I felt about going and talking to a complete stranger about my problems as they sat and wrote everything down. Once I actually got there it wasn't so bad. My counselor is really nice and it felt good letting everything out and then making goals on how to work through it all. Still no news on the EDA group, we are still looking into places that we can meet. But I will post when I know.

Getting Better

Well finally the counselors called me today and I have my first appointment Tuesday afternoon. I am really nervous but I guess this is what is best for me in the long run. I also am meeting with a friend of mine today and we are putting together and EDA group (Eating Disorders Anonymous) I will post more details later but we want to advertise so if anybody who reads this blog or who comes across it needs that kind of help stay tuned for the details on that.