Carry That Weight

I feel like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I finally went to my first counseling session. People have been trying to get me to see a counselor for about a year now and truthfully I have needed one for six years. I kept putting it off because I wasn't sure how I felt about going and talking to a complete stranger about my problems as they sat and wrote everything down. Once I actually got there it wasn't so bad. My counselor is really nice and it felt good letting everything out and then making goals on how to work through it all. Still no news on the EDA group, we are still looking into places that we can meet. But I will post when I know.

Getting Better

Well finally the counselors called me today and I have my first appointment Tuesday afternoon. I am really nervous but I guess this is what is best for me in the long run. I also am meeting with a friend of mine today and we are putting together and EDA group (Eating Disorders Anonymous) I will post more details later but we want to advertise so if anybody who reads this blog or who comes across it needs that kind of help stay tuned for the details on that.

Arms by Christina Perri

I just wanted to post this video because I love the song. I also really like the music video, I am not sure why but I just think it is cool. With the water and the floating and stuff. The lyrics of the song are what I really like. I like when it says, "I hope that you see right through my walls. I hope that you catch me cause I'm already falling. I'll never let our love get so close. You put your arms around me and I'm home. The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved. I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone." I love to listen to the lyrics of songs and pick out the ones that I can relate to. I can kind of relate to this song in a way. Obviously when Christina Perri wrote it she was singing about a boy, girl relationship but I think it can be interpreted differently. In my struggles I have had a lot of people who have been there for me when I need them, they saw through my walls or choices I guess you could say and they stepped in and caught me so to speak. When the song says you put your arms around me and I'm home it makes me think of a hug. Hugs are the best I always felt better when someone would give me a hug. The rest is self explanatory but I just sometimes will be listening to a song and the lyrics will remind me of something going on in my life. These lyrics are sung to a man who loves her but I think it can also apply to a friend who cares and is there for those who need them. I just love the song and the singer so I wanted to post it. :)

Across The Universe

OK so I haven't been called by the counselors, I am getting a little annoyed but they did say there was a wait period. Oh well I guess I just have to be patient. Ha so I decided that it would be cool to have the title of all my posts from here on out be a title of one of the Beatles songs. It shouldn't be too hard, they have a lot of songs and my blog title is also a Beatles song so why not carry out the tradition? :) In a couple weeks I will be going to New Mexico and I am so excited. My family recently went without me for my grandma's 90th birthday celebration but I could not go because I was in school. I get to go this time and I can't wait. It is not across the universe but it is across Utah and into New Mexico. ;) It may as well seem to be though it really is not like Utah one bit. There is not a lot of grass, it is all pretty dry and there is a lot more culture there. I am not a big fan of it buy most of my family on my mom's side live there and we are staying with my grandma. I will get to see my cousins and Aunt and Uncles so it will be nice. While we are there we are going to drive to Durango with my cousin and probably my aunt to spend the day there. I just can't wait for these next couple weeks to go by so that I can get in the car and make that 8 hour drive it will really be nice to get away.

Friends... and a little bit more

I have been struggling a whole lot lately and I have learned that it is very therapeutic to write. So I have decided to use my blog as a sort of therapy. I have recently came to learn and really grasp the concept of choosing your friends wisely. In my struggles I have had two different groups of friends. One group has been so awesome and no matter what I have done they have loved me no matter what and they have not given up on me I don't know where I would be if it were not for them and my family of course. The other group of friends were there for me and they would let me talk to them but being with them was probably not the best thing. They were not making good choices and naturally neither was I when I was with them. I won't go into details but I did learn a valuable lesson. I will still be friends with them because that is what they need but not right now, not until I can be strong enough to be the example. The main thing thats been going on is that I have struggled with a couple eating disorders for six years now. When I was 12 I had a severe case of anorexia and an extreme addiction to working out. I would spend three hours of the day working out and not eating a single thing, even when I didn't have the energy to work out I would still do it anyway and I couldn't stop myself, I didn't even know why. The day the doctors told me they were going to monitor me so I had to eat and I was not allowed under any circumstances to exercise. I freaked out so I turned over to binge eating. I figured that way I wouldn't know or think about what I was eating and people would get off my back then before I knew it, it turned into an addiction and I have struggled with it ever since. It has finally gotten to the point where it is at its worst. It has effected me emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually. I am not the person I use to be and I realized that it was time to change thanks to a rude awakening. I guess sometimes it takes something big for us to come to our senses and I wish that hadn't been the case with me but it was. A couple days ago I filled out the papers to see counseling, something my friends and family have been trying to get me to do for a long time now. I am really nervous but it is time. I wanted to post this on my blog because sometimes it helps when you are struggling to read someone else's personal story and I am no longer embarrassed to admit that I have a problem. Maybe, and it is my wish, someone will stumble across this blog post and if they are struggling with something like this then I want them to know yes it is so hard and I feel your pain. Getting help is a wonderful feeling. For years I have just felt like it was easier to just stay where I am at. Because truthfully it is. But taking the extra step and working hard and getting help is so much better then always feeling so down and worthless. I haven't started the counseling yet but talking to my parents and my bishop have been hard things to do but I feel so much better now that I have done those two things. I will post again soon once I have actually been to a counseling session. But I just want to say thanks to my friends who have been there for me and my family as well. I love them so much. I just want to post one more thing. My friend told me I really needed to listen to this song and the lyrics hit me dead on. I felt like that song expressed my emotions perfectly. Not only that but in the chorus really made me think and it gave me hope so I hope that it might give someone else who may be having a hard time hope as well.

One Day You Will: Lady Antebellum

You feel like you're falling backwards

Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

[Repeat Chorus]

One day you will
Oh one day you will