Friday, May 13, 2011

Friends... and a little bit more

I have been struggling a whole lot lately and I have learned that it is very therapeutic to write. So I have decided to use my blog as a sort of therapy. I have recently came to learn and really grasp the concept of choosing your friends wisely. In my struggles I have had two different groups of friends. One group has been so awesome and no matter what I have done they have loved me no matter what and they have not given up on me I don't know where I would be if it were not for them and my family of course. The other group of friends were there for me and they would let me talk to them but being with them was probably not the best thing. They were not making good choices and naturally neither was I when I was with them. I won't go into details but I did learn a valuable lesson. I will still be friends with them because that is what they need but not right now, not until I can be strong enough to be the example. The main thing thats been going on is that I have struggled with a couple eating disorders for six years now. When I was 12 I had a severe case of anorexia and an extreme addiction to working out. I would spend three hours of the day working out and not eating a single thing, even when I didn't have the energy to work out I would still do it anyway and I couldn't stop myself, I didn't even know why. The day the doctors told me they were going to monitor me so I had to eat and I was not allowed under any circumstances to exercise. I freaked out so I turned over to binge eating. I figured that way I wouldn't know or think about what I was eating and people would get off my back then before I knew it, it turned into an addiction and I have struggled with it ever since. It has finally gotten to the point where it is at its worst. It has effected me emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually. I am not the person I use to be and I realized that it was time to change thanks to a rude awakening. I guess sometimes it takes something big for us to come to our senses and I wish that hadn't been the case with me but it was. A couple days ago I filled out the papers to see counseling, something my friends and family have been trying to get me to do for a long time now. I am really nervous but it is time. I wanted to post this on my blog because sometimes it helps when you are struggling to read someone else's personal story and I am no longer embarrassed to admit that I have a problem. Maybe, and it is my wish, someone will stumble across this blog post and if they are struggling with something like this then I want them to know yes it is so hard and I feel your pain. Getting help is a wonderful feeling. For years I have just felt like it was easier to just stay where I am at. Because truthfully it is. But taking the extra step and working hard and getting help is so much better then always feeling so down and worthless. I haven't started the counseling yet but talking to my parents and my bishop have been hard things to do but I feel so much better now that I have done those two things. I will post again soon once I have actually been to a counseling session. But I just want to say thanks to my friends who have been there for me and my family as well. I love them so much. I just want to post one more thing. My friend told me I really needed to listen to this song and the lyrics hit me dead on. I felt like that song expressed my emotions perfectly. Not only that but in the chorus really made me think and it gave me hope so I hope that it might give someone else who may be having a hard time hope as well.

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

[Repeat Chorus]

One day you will
Oh one day you will


Regina said...

I'm sorry you're struggling! I just want you to know how strong of person I think you are for realizing that you do need help. I think it's human nature to not want to need help. We want to be able to handle things on our own. But sometimes we can't. And sometimes we do need someone to help us get back up. I love you! And I want you to know that we all make mistakes. None of us are perfect. It's the choices we make (wrong and right) that shape us into the person we are meant to be!

Emily's Blog said...

Thanks Regina, it took me a long time to get help, six years. I guess it is time and better late then never I guess. Thanks I love you too

Allison Marie said...

Emily I love you so much! I am so happy that you are going to a counselor now. I just started going and am doing so much better already. The best thing is to work with your therapist and your bishop. He can bring so much strength to you. I love you so much and I really hope you get to loving yourself and life. You are a strong and incredible woman! I'm always here if you want to talk.

Emily's Blog said...

Thank you Allie. I saw that on your blog that you started to go. I will keep that in mind that you are there to talk to :) I hope it does all work out, I really do