Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I am so excited. I love getting together with the family and eating good food. :) With it being so close, less than a week actually, I would like to reflect on the things that I am grateful for. Right now in my life I am really grateful for family. They have always been there for me even when I have caused them a lot of heartache in the past. I love them! I also want to say I am grateful for friends. My friends that I have right now are so awesome. They have really helped me as I am away from home again to get things figured out. They are such good examples and are always willing to help. They make me want to be a better person. I am also grateful that it has not snowed yet... haha when it snows here it really snows. I really don't like snow, I would be ok with it if it were in December only but before or after is definitely something that I don't enjoy. I am aslo grateful for the 60's through the 80's for providing the world with such wonderful music. I am recently on a Bob Marley kick. I have a playlist on my ipod that goes Beatles song, Bob Marley song, Beatles song, and so on. haha I love it. That is not all that I love from those decades but they are two of my favorites. I am so gratetful to be able to go home for Thanksgiving, it is going to be fun. I need a break from school, but I can't believe how fast the semester has gone by. I don't want this to end I love my life here at school. I know that it won't really be over but it is still sad. We will always be friends, and for that I am grateful. It's been a good year so far and I look forward to the months to come.

All I've got to do

OK I know it has been forever since I last posted. All I've got to do is make a goal to post more often and hopefully I can stick by that. There is a lot to write about. As far as the last post goes I did really well but I have to say that something happened that made things bad again. I am so greatful for therapy though, it has helped me get through things now that I obviously was were never able to handle. I did something so amazing today that I really do think that things are starting to look up. I am now in my second year of college with two of the same roommates and one new one. We also have an adopted roommate who basically lives with us but sleeps at her apartment. :) It's loads of fun. I have decided that I am not so sure about majoring in psychology anymore. I thought about it for a long time and decided that I am not so sure that I would want to study that for eight years in college in order to get my phd. I now would just love to do something I am passionate about. I would first love to be an Animal Cop for the ASPCA, (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelity to Animals). This is something I am very passionate about I love animals and there are far too many being neglected. I also would love to be a public speaker and go to different high schools around the state or even country and speak out against abortion. That is something I really stick to, I am pro life and I am willing to fight it and stick up for that. "Even though you can't see them or hear them at all, a person's a person no matter how small." That is a quote from Dr. Seusses, Horton Hears a Who. He was not speaking about abortion, in fact so many people have used this quote for pro life things that he got upset. I don't care it totally applies. I am not sure how these things will turn out but who knows what the future holds. As of right now I really want to nanny still as soon as I finish here in the Spring. Well anyways it has been nice to write a blog post again but it is late so I must be off.

Breaking The Habit

I was just lying in bed, obviously not falling asleep and the song Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park came on, on my iPod. I haven't heard that song in a really long time and as I was listening to the lyrics they really inspired me. They really hit me dead on. The lyrics talk about breaking a habit and not letting it consume you anymore. I have decided to really try harder at breaking my habit of binge eating. Its going to be really really hard and I know that because it has been. But I really hope that I can break that habit right now, starting tonight like the song says. I want to quit cold turkey, I am not sure how I will be able to do this but I plan on taking it one day at a time. I started working out again, something I have been trying to avoid for a long time since it is what started this whole mess, what with me becoming so consumed and addicted to it that I formed myself a major eating disorder. I hope that I won't let it take control of my life this time. Like my therapist said this week, I have complete control. Well that is all for now, here are the lyrics for the song, I will post again soon.

Breaking The Habit By Linkin Park

Memories consume

Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again

You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean

I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'm Only Sleeping

Every time I go to sleep lately I have these terrible nightmares. I almost don't want to go to sleep now. Yesterday when I was only taking a nap I had this dream where I walked out of my house and it was dark and everyone was sad and in black and I was told someone I know died. Everyone began to cry, including me. I woke up crying and laid in bed longer and fell back to sleep and the dream continued. We were at the funeral and everyone was there just screaming and crying and it was very dark and rainy. I woke up again and this time when I fell back to sleep I was running from the funeral, I kept running into spider webs and dark figures. I woke up again and every time I did wake up I was crying. It all seemed so real. It was weird. Last night I had another one. A little different story but scary just the same. I hate nightmares but at the same time dreams fascinate me. I always like to look up dream interpretations and things like that. I learned somewhere that dreams are a part of our subconscious. Maybe I am afraid of death or something. The pain of death or losing someone close to me. I don't know but it is really weird. I need to learn to not be so superstitious.

Hello, Goodbye

I just have to say one thing, I never realized how hard it was to say goodbye until I grew up and went to College. When the year ended I had to say goodbye to some people the ones not coming back in the fall. I don't know when I will see them again and that makes me so sad. That was almost two months ago so I have been able to get over it and try to move on, but the past couple of days I have found myself saying goodbye again. I didn't realize that this goodbye would be so hard but it has been, I just hope that one day I will see this person again and it will be like they never left. I don't want to go into detail because it is sort of personal but I just needed to vent in words how hard it was to say goodbye. I am going to miss this person very much. I feel like now that I am older and everyone is moving on with their lives, it seems like one day I am saying hello and only in a matter of time the goodbye comes. Well I guess that is life and it will take a while but I probably should get use to it.

“So many faces in and out of my life; some will last, some will be just now and then. Life is a series of hellos and good byes, I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again.”

Carry That Weight

I feel like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I finally went to my first counseling session. People have been trying to get me to see a counselor for about a year now and truthfully I have needed one for six years. I kept putting it off because I wasn't sure how I felt about going and talking to a complete stranger about my problems as they sat and wrote everything down. Once I actually got there it wasn't so bad. My counselor is really nice and it felt good letting everything out and then making goals on how to work through it all. Still no news on the EDA group, we are still looking into places that we can meet. But I will post when I know.

Getting Better

Well finally the counselors called me today and I have my first appointment Tuesday afternoon. I am really nervous but I guess this is what is best for me in the long run. I also am meeting with a friend of mine today and we are putting together and EDA group (Eating Disorders Anonymous) I will post more details later but we want to advertise so if anybody who reads this blog or who comes across it needs that kind of help stay tuned for the details on that.

Arms by Christina Perri

I just wanted to post this video because I love the song. I also really like the music video, I am not sure why but I just think it is cool. With the water and the floating and stuff. The lyrics of the song are what I really like. I like when it says, "I hope that you see right through my walls. I hope that you catch me cause I'm already falling. I'll never let our love get so close. You put your arms around me and I'm home. The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved. I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone." I love to listen to the lyrics of songs and pick out the ones that I can relate to. I can kind of relate to this song in a way. Obviously when Christina Perri wrote it she was singing about a boy, girl relationship but I think it can be interpreted differently. In my struggles I have had a lot of people who have been there for me when I need them, they saw through my walls or choices I guess you could say and they stepped in and caught me so to speak. When the song says you put your arms around me and I'm home it makes me think of a hug. Hugs are the best I always felt better when someone would give me a hug. The rest is self explanatory but I just sometimes will be listening to a song and the lyrics will remind me of something going on in my life. These lyrics are sung to a man who loves her but I think it can also apply to a friend who cares and is there for those who need them. I just love the song and the singer so I wanted to post it. :)

Across The Universe

OK so I haven't been called by the counselors, I am getting a little annoyed but they did say there was a wait period. Oh well I guess I just have to be patient. Ha so I decided that it would be cool to have the title of all my posts from here on out be a title of one of the Beatles songs. It shouldn't be too hard, they have a lot of songs and my blog title is also a Beatles song so why not carry out the tradition? :) In a couple weeks I will be going to New Mexico and I am so excited. My family recently went without me for my grandma's 90th birthday celebration but I could not go because I was in school. I get to go this time and I can't wait. It is not across the universe but it is across Utah and into New Mexico. ;) It may as well seem to be though it really is not like Utah one bit. There is not a lot of grass, it is all pretty dry and there is a lot more culture there. I am not a big fan of it buy most of my family on my mom's side live there and we are staying with my grandma. I will get to see my cousins and Aunt and Uncles so it will be nice. While we are there we are going to drive to Durango with my cousin and probably my aunt to spend the day there. I just can't wait for these next couple weeks to go by so that I can get in the car and make that 8 hour drive it will really be nice to get away.

Friends... and a little bit more

I have been struggling a whole lot lately and I have learned that it is very therapeutic to write. So I have decided to use my blog as a sort of therapy. I have recently came to learn and really grasp the concept of choosing your friends wisely. In my struggles I have had two different groups of friends. One group has been so awesome and no matter what I have done they have loved me no matter what and they have not given up on me I don't know where I would be if it were not for them and my family of course. The other group of friends were there for me and they would let me talk to them but being with them was probably not the best thing. They were not making good choices and naturally neither was I when I was with them. I won't go into details but I did learn a valuable lesson. I will still be friends with them because that is what they need but not right now, not until I can be strong enough to be the example. The main thing thats been going on is that I have struggled with a couple eating disorders for six years now. When I was 12 I had a severe case of anorexia and an extreme addiction to working out. I would spend three hours of the day working out and not eating a single thing, even when I didn't have the energy to work out I would still do it anyway and I couldn't stop myself, I didn't even know why. The day the doctors told me they were going to monitor me so I had to eat and I was not allowed under any circumstances to exercise. I freaked out so I turned over to binge eating. I figured that way I wouldn't know or think about what I was eating and people would get off my back then before I knew it, it turned into an addiction and I have struggled with it ever since. It has finally gotten to the point where it is at its worst. It has effected me emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually. I am not the person I use to be and I realized that it was time to change thanks to a rude awakening. I guess sometimes it takes something big for us to come to our senses and I wish that hadn't been the case with me but it was. A couple days ago I filled out the papers to see counseling, something my friends and family have been trying to get me to do for a long time now. I am really nervous but it is time. I wanted to post this on my blog because sometimes it helps when you are struggling to read someone else's personal story and I am no longer embarrassed to admit that I have a problem. Maybe, and it is my wish, someone will stumble across this blog post and if they are struggling with something like this then I want them to know yes it is so hard and I feel your pain. Getting help is a wonderful feeling. For years I have just felt like it was easier to just stay where I am at. Because truthfully it is. But taking the extra step and working hard and getting help is so much better then always feeling so down and worthless. I haven't started the counseling yet but talking to my parents and my bishop have been hard things to do but I feel so much better now that I have done those two things. I will post again soon once I have actually been to a counseling session. But I just want to say thanks to my friends who have been there for me and my family as well. I love them so much. I just want to post one more thing. My friend told me I really needed to listen to this song and the lyrics hit me dead on. I felt like that song expressed my emotions perfectly. Not only that but in the chorus really made me think and it gave me hope so I hope that it might give someone else who may be having a hard time hope as well.

One Day You Will: Lady Antebellum

You feel like you're falling backwards

Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

[Repeat Chorus]

One day you will
Oh one day you will

Memories

I know I just posted but I have more to say. The school year is really coming to an end, I will be home for the summer in three weeks. I am so excited but I am very sad. Last week I went with my roommates and the neighbors to Denny's at midnight. On the way there we were blasting Celine Dion's song It's all Coming Back to Me Now. I love that song and as it was playing a ton of memories from the past college year ran through my mind, we blasted and sang very loudly to this song tons of times this year because we all love it. This song has become more of one of my favorites now just because the memories of the friends I wont have here next year come with the song. The song has nothing to do with friendship or any personal connection with the lyrics, it is just a very good song that has been sung to and listened to a lot this year. Here are the lyrics now, Enjoy!!

Its all Coming Back to Me Now: Celine Dion

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

When you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me

When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right

There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow, baby, baby, baby

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me

If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me

It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

Roommate..

I just want to post something about my roommate, no this is not a complaint about roommate problems, I just have to say I have an amazing roommate. I use to think she was so annoying because of some of the things she did and every little thing would get on my nerves. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't annoyed with her, I was annoyed with many things and I targeted her. Well... tonight we completely made amends, I apologized for everything one at a time and I am so glad I did. I was able to talk to her about things that have bothered me and I never thought she cared. It was just an awesome thing to know that she cares and wants to help me with my struggles however she can. I am so happy to have her as one of my roommates and I am especially happy that we get to be roommates again next year. I just really wanted to post this and make a shout out to good friends and family members who are willing to help anyone in need of it. I know my family and friends care, I don't go to my family members as much as my friends just because I don't want to disappointed them. They are my family and I love them and I want to be everything they want me to be. Its just hard sometimes to go to them but I feel like I am doing better. I know my mom loves me, she has set up counseling for the summer and I am very nervous. But after talking to my roommate I am excited to learn how to deal with things in the correct way and fix this.

My Very Favorite Song

I just really wanted to post this song, the first time I heard it, which was sadly a few weeks ago, I cried. I think its because the lyrics are just so powerful, they are to me at least. It doesn't have to apply to two people who are in love. It can apply to really any situation where someone is feeling down and alone and they just need someone to be there for them. I have had my own personal struggles so I could just relate to this song, it is amazing! I hope others will or have enjoyed it just as much as me.

You Are Not Alone: Michael Jackson

Another day has gone I'm still all alone
How could this be you're not here with me?
You never said goodbye, someone tell me why
Did you have to go and leave my world so cold?

Every day I sit and ask myself how did love slip away?
Something whispers in my ear and says

That you are not alone for I am here with you
Though you're far away I am here to stay
But you are not alone for I am here with you
And though we're far apart you're always in my heart

You are not alone

Just the other night I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come and hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers, your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand then forever can begin

Every day I sit and ask myself how did love slip away?
Something whispers in my ear and says

That you are not alone for I am here with you
Though you're far away I am here to stay
But you are not alone for I am here with you
Though we're far apart you're always in my heart

For you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there, I'll be there

You are not alone for I am here with you
Though you're far away I am here to stay
For you are not alone, for I am here with you
Though we're far apart you're always in my heart

You are not alone
You are not alone, not alone

The weekend :)

I am so excited for this weekend, I have been in the need of a break, some kind of distraction from the stess of school work and of finals week that is coming up. My family is going to New Mexico for a family reunion/90th birthday party for my grandma. I was very disapointed when I found out that I wouldn't be able to make it due to tests and presentations in my classes throughout that week. I was angry that this weekend I would be stuck here and my family would be enjoying a vacation without me. Things started to look up when my friend texted me and told me that she would be coming down to visit. I am so excited. I love her to death and this is going to be an awesome weekend! She has been here before so my friends here know her, we have been planning on things that we can do and it is already looking like a perfect weekend. It is going to be nice just to take it easy and have some fun. She is coming friday but on thursday night my roommates and I are going on a dennys run. This is a very popular college tradition here, but you have to go at midnight. We are leaving right at midnight when my roommate gets off work. Its going to be fun, something about driving 45 minutes to a place to eat at midnight always makes it funner then if you were to drive 5 minutes at six or something. Anyways, Its going to be a great weekend, and I can't wait!

The school year is almost over...

This is so crazy, I can't believe that the school year is almost over already. There is three weeks left of classes and then we have our finals week. I am so glad that I got the chance to go to college because it has been a great experience. I feel like I have learned a lot, not only because I was going to school and learning things in classes but life lessons. One being, you really don't know people until you live with them. I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way, its just an adjustment living with new people who have come from different families. I definitely learned to have patience, I am still not as good at it but I do feel like I am better then I was at the beginning of the year. It has definitely been a hard year, since it is my first year of college and its sometimes not only hard to adjust living with others but it is hard to adjust to living on your own. I love living on my own, its great. I do love my family but its nice to be on my own. I have also made some pretty good friends here whom I will miss a ton. Most of the friends I have made are a year older and since I am at a two year college they will be gone next year. Its going to be really hard to say goodbye, but it is coming and it has to happen so I will endure it. I am excited for school to end besides that, because I am ready to be home for the summer and excited to start fresh next year.

"All good things must come to an end"

-English Proverb

Texting while driving..... Oh and the Festival of Colors

So I went to the festival of colors today with a bunch of my friends. A festival that is at the Krishna Temple in Spanish Fork. It is an Indian festival and you throw chalk dust everywhere and all over people at a certain time. Its awesome because tons of people go and so when the chalk is thrown you cant see a thing but a bunch of colorful dust. It was pretty awesome and I am still finding chalk everywhere even after I took a shower. But anyways, as we were driving back home we were on the freeway where we saw a semi truck driver who was TEXTING while DRIVING!!! I thought that was ridiculous! Texting while driving is not safe anyways thousands of people die each year from accidents related to texting while driving. Semi trucks are already big trucks that are not all that easy to control when they did get out of control or need to swerve, and to put a person texting while driving a semi truck is a huge risk. If that person were to wreck because he was texting it would be more then likely that the people in the other car would not survive. Semi trucks are huge. Seriously people lets screw our heads on straight and realize exactly what we are doing. No text is more important than someones life. Put the phone away and pay attention to the road.

Its been a while.......

Sorry it's been so long since I last updated. I said I was going to do better but that never happened. Although I just got a new laptop so now I have a computer that I can get on when I want to and I don't have to use the college's library so I think that I will be better at updating my blog. I am enjoying the life of a college student, nothing too exciting has happened but when it does I will be sure to post. I honestly can not think about what I want to post about but I promise that when something does come up I will for sure post it. Check out my movie review blog you can access it through my profile on here. I have been updating it quite a bit lately with all of the new movies I have seen.

College

It has been a very long time since I have updated my blog. I am very sorry. I am not graduated from high school and attending Snow College. I don't like living in Ephraim, because it is so cold, and there is way too much snow. It is also a small town which took a while to get use to. I do like living in my own apartment with my roommates. I have made so many good friends here and its been great. I miss home cooked meals though, that's for sure. It is not always fun to have to cook for yourself, because it usually ends up being something like macoroni and cheese or ramen noodles all of the time. Not much excited has really happened other then going to college but I just wanted to hurry and update since it has been so long. I am going to try and do better and hopefully update at least once a week. hmm we will see. :)